I really liked your story Helen – quirky and unusual. I felt that you really gave the narrator a voice. There were bits I felt didn’t work quite as well such as the fast-food ‘drive-thru’ scene. It seemed to be something that maybe you had in your head and wanted to use but I don’t think it suited the flow of the narrative. I’ve often put in a scene or a bit of dialogue that I liked on its own but felt it was like a square in a round hole when I put it in the story.
I had to laugh at some parts because, seen through the eyes of your main character, it exposes how ridiculous are our notions of ‘normal’. In fact, that core theme is examined with humour and wisdom thanks to the particular and peculiar qualities you gave the narrator. One other thing I noticed was that we never get to know his full name. I think Mr Dalton is used once. I don’t know if that was intentional not to use his first name.
I felt you also tied things up nicely at the end. I hate trying to write endings. Endings and titles are my biggest bug-bear. Anyway, I think you should resubmit it somewhere because it deserves a wider audience.