Don’t worry BRoll, we’ve all been there! That time when you have read your own words so many times, you lose all sense of judgement….and sometimes begin to doubt your own sanity!
Okay, a few observations….
I would change the title. I think the daydream element is a nice ‘hook’ at the end and is a bit of a giveaway if you put it in the title. I would add a mention of the lady along with the neon suitcase in that first paragraph as a ‘tease’. This adds intrigue and makes us want to read on and find out more about her. A small detail…’at the lost property office I worked at’. You don’t need to say ‘I worked at’ because that becomes very apparent in the next paragraph.
I like the end of your second paragraph….that the umbrellas’ are somehow symbols of this guy’s life. It’s a good idea and I think there is a lot more mileage in this clever analogy than you give it in this story.
Just to make it clear….maybe it’s just me!…..in paragraph seven – ‘Everything we could possibly need..’ I missed the implication of the ‘we’ in that at first. How about saying something like….’she said, looking deep into my eyes.’
Par 9 – ‘the basement’s must‘. I am unfamiliar with the use of the adjective ‘musty’ as a noun. Is it just me or does this fact jar a bit.
I like the story. I used to own a shop and I can tell you it was DULL. There were many hours when I daydreamed and wish I was somewhere else living a different life so I can empathize with this character completely and I think your narrative style is efficient.
I hope that all makes sense.