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#3934
orcus
Participant

Hi there and thank you for sharing your story here. I love this quirky humour although I think it’s a bit niche and has to be bang on to keep the reader happy. Some of the ‘asides’ and observations of your characters really made me laugh so it gets a big ‘yes’ from me but I agree it needs a bit of fine tuning.

I’m not sure what makes it a little flat overall but think it has something to do with the balance between the narrative and the odd, funny observations of the narrator or characters which give the story its style. I think there are perhaps too many of them at the beginning so we are taken to the ‘asides’ before we understand what’s going on. There’s too much going on and it’s a bit confusing. I would say, go for one or two short but big humorous observations at the start as you make it clear what is happening. Ah, but at the start nothing is happening! That’s the other aspect I would say you need to address. No-one wants to start reading a story about nothing going on! This just needs a small adjustment. Something like ‘no-one could have expected what was about to happen’ tells us to keep reading.

Anyway, it’s one or two thoughts that might help. Yes, a bit tighter, more narrative than ‘asides’ and adjust the beginning. By the way, does anyone use a shredder any more? The office where I work is virtually paperless. Not that it’s particularly relevant to the story….