November 10, 2021 at 3:55 pm #3531
Hi all, I’m quite new to this board and thought I’d upload my story called Christmas in July. It’s not bad but I feel it could be a lot better. I just don’t know what I need to do to improve it so any feedback would be gratefully received.
Attachments:You must be logged in to view attached files.November 13, 2021 at 3:22 pm #3542FreddieRParticipant
I quite liked that Harry. A sort of gentle comedy with a nice twist. I think you did a good job on the characters. There was something missing from the end where Eric is trying to make sense of it all. Part of me wanted to say good luck to Edith and another part felt sorry for the sad figure of Eric. Maybe paint Eric a bit darker so that her ‘escape’ is more triumphant. (I hope that’s not a spoiler.)December 4, 2021 at 9:00 pm #3655ColliewobbleParticipant
Hi Harry. As you kindly took the time to give me feedback I thought I’d return the favour. I liked that too. I’m intrigued about Edith’s past, she sounds quite a character. This is personal preference, but maybe spend a bit more time at the beginning fleshing out Edith so we are pulled in. She’s obviously feisty and not ready to pop off! What led her to be that character? Going to India at her age is a massive decision and not usually the realm of her demographic. Why? What’s happened in her life that makes her not want to give up? Where does her sense of adventure come from? I agree Eric could be dark, but maybe he was a safe bet for a while and she’s decided safe isn’t what she wants now. Maybe it was once. I love the fact that she just takes off, knowing he has friends that will support him. Being in India (actually, just going to the airport!) and not remembering things, could be hilarious! Which flight? Does she actually get to India? Who helps her? Why? Sorry, I’m getting carried away. I’d definitely like to know more about her. The beginnings of a heartwarming story methinks!December 5, 2021 at 9:26 am #3656
Hi again! To be honest, having read some of the other samples on here, I feel a little bit sheepish about this one now. I will say this: I have written better! I think the reason I put it up here was because I felt deep down it wasn’t right which is, I suppose, the whole point of this feedback string.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on it, CW. I concur with all your observations. I think the trouble is that I wrote it originally for a competition and the word count was rather limited to develop the character much – but then that’s the point of the challenge, isn’t it? I think I’ll have one more tinker at it….and then move on!December 5, 2021 at 1:39 pm #3660ColliewobbleParticipant
I’m still keen to know more about Edith and her past! Limited word counts are definitely hard. Like trying to fit all of your socks into a very small bag! (Poor analogy I know!) :)December 10, 2021 at 9:12 am #3672mmapp.mmParticipant
Very like-able characters, and interesting story. Good writing. Well done.December 21, 2021 at 7:28 am #3704
Thanks mmapp. If it was a school essay I would comment ‘Must try harder!’ but I appreciate the encouragement. I think it’s worth me having a go at improving it.
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