First chapter

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  • #3839
    emmab
    Participant

    Hi folks! I was wondering if someone might have a few minutes to read through and give first thoughts on a chapter for something I’ve recently started. I don’t have a good sense of whether it’s any good, and I’m definitely concerned about the tense (simple present). Also, doesn’t yet have a working title.
    Any thoughts welcome!

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    #3841
    Kit-Kat
    Participant

    Hey emmab. Thanks for sharing that with us. Before I comment, I have to say that while I write a bit and read a lot, I have never had anything published so I’m certainly no expert in the field.
    I think that you have gone all out to create a really strong character in this first chapter. It’s also a very modern character and one that a lot of women will identify with. Your descriptions of place are good, but maybe on occasions, you could be a little more economical with them and demonstrate the point with an observation. For example, instead of actually saying the baby was sick in the car you could just mention in passing her wiping away the mess (with a sigh). That way you get the information across via the character expressing her feelings. I think I can get a sense of what’s coming but would like this to be stronger as in a hook. I want something in that first chapter that is going to worry me until I know the answer. That, along with your strong character will make me want to read on. I also want some names! Is there a secret reason why none of three figures have been named?
    In a nutshell, describe what’s happening via what the character does and put a hook – or two – in there to make the reader want more. Using a present tense is just fine.
    Hope that helps!

    #3843
    emmab
    Participant

    That’s super helpful Kit-Kat, thanks! I’ll finish the next chapter, I think, and then revise the first :)

    Also (is this cheeky?) I’d love to know where you think this is going. I think I know where it is, but about other potential routes! :)

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by emmab.
    #3845
    Kit-Kat
    Participant

    First an apology about not knowing the names of the characters…Thalia! It’s right there on the page. Three times! And Josh. I don’t know how I missed that. :wacko:

    I was thinking that maybe the salesperson Josh was looking for was going to turn out to be her and that there might be some sort of comic role-reversal where he would have to stay at home and look after baby while she became the main breadwinner.

    Warm?

    #3846
    emmab
    Participant

    No worries! I haven’t named the baby at all, if it makes you feel better. Three chapters in, she’s still nameless :(

    That’s deffo a warm and fuzzy approach. I was thinking dark rabbit hole :O.

    Thank you for reading, and your thoughts, I’ve gone back and made some tweaks!

    #3847
    Kit-Kat
    Participant

    Oooh! I prefer dark rabbit hole! And it reflects much better on your first chapter that I can’t predict what’s coming.

    #3849
    Helen
    Participant

    An excellent ‘slice-of-life’ style writing emmab. We are so much in those scenes, I think we can smell that baby sick! More to the point, we can feel the frustration and stoicism of Thalia and know that something is going to blow.

    #3857
    emmab
    Participant

    Thanks, Helen! That’s good to know. Also, ‘slice of life’ style, not a term I knew, so thanks for that, too :)

    #3891
    emmab
    Participant

    Just wanted to revisit this thread and say thanks to @kit-kat and @helen for your feedback. It kind of maybe became a novel. I have no idea if it’s printable, if anyone will bother with it. But I totally did the thing, and I’m grateful to you both for your help that first week.

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