March 11, 2022 at 9:11 pm #3882
I find when I review most things I write, I usually either feel reasonably satisfied with them or am struck by a realization they are still several kabillion drafts away from being ready, and then there is this story, 500 words of flash, which depending on the day, I either like or dismiss as junk, thinking it just doesn’t work. Would be curious and most appreciative to hear any of your thoughts – if it needs to be fixed, how I might consider doing that, or if it’s better to just cast aside and move on. I’ve voted for all three at different times, so no hard feelings. let the comments rip.
Attachments:You must be logged in to view attached files.March 12, 2022 at 7:48 am #3884HarryStotleParticipant
Don’t worry BRoll, we’ve all been there! That time when you have read your own words so many times, you lose all sense of judgement….and sometimes begin to doubt your own sanity!
Okay, a few observations….
I would change the title. I think the daydream element is a nice ‘hook’ at the end and is a bit of a giveaway if you put it in the title. I would add a mention of the lady along with the neon suitcase in that first paragraph as a ‘tease’. This adds intrigue and makes us want to read on and find out more about her. A small detail…’at the lost property office I worked at’. You don’t need to say ‘I worked at’ because that becomes very apparent in the next paragraph.
I like the end of your second paragraph….that the umbrellas’ are somehow symbols of this guy’s life. It’s a good idea and I think there is a lot more mileage in this clever analogy than you give it in this story.
Just to make it clear….maybe it’s just me!…..in paragraph seven – ‘Everything we could possibly need..’ I missed the implication of the ‘we’ in that at first. How about saying something like….’she said, looking deep into my eyes.’
Par 9 – ‘the basement’s must‘. I am unfamiliar with the use of the adjective ‘musty’ as a noun. Is it just me or does this fact jar a bit.
I like the story. I used to own a shop and I can tell you it was DULL. There were many hours when I daydreamed and wish I was somewhere else living a different life so I can empathize with this character completely and I think your narrative style is efficient.
I hope that all makes sense.March 12, 2022 at 6:26 pm #3886
Many, many thanks Harry. I’d say those suggestions are all …. spot on! Very much appreciate you taking the time to read and help my writing. May the days ahead be good to you.March 13, 2022 at 1:11 pm #3887HelenParticipant
This story made me smile although I thought it was going to be something about an item of lost property rather than its owner. Always good to be surprised. I would like a little bit more physical description of the main character. Readers have different preferences and I always want to picture the characters. But the woman seems to stand out for me as much as much her neon-pink suitcase!
Thanks for sharing BRoll.March 14, 2022 at 3:21 pm #3888
My thanks Helen, you’ve given me some ideas which are most appreciated! I’ll drag it back into the workshop and see what comes of it next. thanks again for taking the time to read and comment!March 17, 2022 at 11:39 am #3890emmabParticipant
I also really enjoyed it, though now I’m feeling a little sad.
I’d take all of Harry’s points, and maybe also you could re-work the end of the last sentence a bit? cut it to “umbrella had passed hands.” Saves you two words (I know how hard 500 word stories are!).
G’luck!March 18, 2022 at 3:25 pm #3894
Thanks for the help Emma! the original version ended one paragraph earlier with them leaving together, but i added the finale out of sympathy for all those (which selfishly includes me) who have perfectly enjoyable daydreams interrupted by the routine and maintenance of our lives. very much appreciate the feedback, it’s my turn now to think about it again… my thanks again to the three of you for the time and help!July 25, 2022 at 5:49 pm #4049HarryTheScrivenerParticipant
Some good suggestions but I was rather side-tracked by the grammatical errors.
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