Morning my lovelies. Gather here for the goss. Bring me coffee. Have you all witnessed saddo of the day? With that thing on his head?’

‘What thing?’


‘Kevin. Keith? Begins with K definitely. I think. Doesn’t matter. He’s not, you know. He’s only come into work in this helmet thing on his head.’

‘Like, why?’

‘Who is he?’

‘Accounts, I think. Or IT. No clue. He’s not, you know. I mean, he’s not like someone you say hi to or anything. But today, peeps, he’s sporting a whopping helmet.’

‘Oh, this I have to see.’

‘Follow me.’


‘Goss gather! Helmet updates here! Won’t take it off, apparently. HR had words. He says – get this – it protects his energies.’

‘Hah. Wow.’

‘Who is he again?’

‘Kevin. IT.’

‘No, Gavin. Definitely Gavin. Remember him at the party? He’s wallpaper all night then ten to twelve, elbows on the dance floor. Wouldn’t stop. Bouncers had to haul him out. Pretty cool, actually. Sort of.’

‘Oh him! You said he was sad.’

‘I thought he was cool.’

‘You said he was desperate.’

‘He’s cool. He does his own thing. Doesn’t care.’

‘K. So…what? Is he coming to pizza night?’

‘I don’t know. Have you asked him?’


‘Hi Gavin!’

‘Yo Gav!’

‘Morning, Gav. What a night, eh?’


‘Did he say hi to you?’

‘Not really. Maybe caught my eye.’

‘I think he smiled at me.’

‘He doesn’t even look wasted. After last night. I can’t move.’

‘It’s the helmet. The energy.’

‘Did he let you try it? You tried it didn’t you?’

‘It. Yeah. It…yeah.’


‘Gather for goss. Apparently, he’s in with HR again today.’

‘Oh, they’re not going to ban the helmet? I’ll stand with him.’

‘I’ll helmet up myself.’

‘Shall we…?’

‘Hey Gav – good luck.’

‘Yeah, good luck in there, mate.’

‘Go Gav!’


‘Head of Division?’

‘Head of European Division.’

‘Nein? Avec helmet?’


‘Bloody hell.’

‘They say it lends distinction. It’s like a company thing.  He’ll get us noticed. Shows we’re edgy. Bit open. Bit out there. Conference in Prague. Gav in his helmet. Not going to forget him, are they? If they talk about him, they talk about us.’

‘It’s a clear brand booster.’

‘Go, Gav.’


‘Was it fun last night?’

‘OK-ish. Gavin never showed.’


‘Better offer, apparently.’

‘What, company yacht?’

‘The same. Party till dawn.’

‘No way.’

‘So way.’

‘Our Gav?’

‘Hmm. Less of the our.’


‘Morning, Gavin, sir.

‘Coffee, sir?’

‘Congratulations on the take-over, sir.’

‘What a coup!’

‘A word, sir? Of course.’

‘Gather round, everyone. Helmets off, please. Yes, off. Leave them in the crate by the door. Health and safety update. Applicable to all departments. Actionable immediately. Helmets are banned on the premises and off within working hours. They are distracting, cumbersome and counter to company profile, globally. Dictate from Sir Gavin. Yes, you heard right. If you want to keep your job.’